Time out – setting it up and using it
As we get older, many of us find we want more time on our own. This can be true for you even if in your 20s you were a confirmed party animal, or you used to bounce happily from coffee with one friend to lunch with another to tea with another, towing your children along in your wake. If you are noticing a change in yourself, a wish to space things out more, you’re in good company.
This is a trend to encourage. Time out from others’ demands will rest you, and it will also give you chance to get to know your emerging self a bit better. You need to find times and places where this will work for you.
Setting it up
- If time on your own at home is a possibility, you may need to think of barriers against the housework or the telephone, so that you can have the luxury of choosing what to do, including the possibility of doing nothing.
 You may be able to set up a corner, or even take over the box room, as your space. This will give you somewhere to keep objects, pictures or photos that are meaningful to you, and to sort and rearrange from time to time. It may also be somewhere where you keep things you enjoy doing for yourself, and maybe the means to settle down and do them – a comfortable chair, special books, a table for craft or art work, a bag for your sewing or knitting, a book to write or draw in.- If home is not practical, at least at first, it is good to look for places where you can be uninterrupted. Some people have favourite cafes where they can drink tea for long periods, and read, write or stare into space; some have favourite walks. Others save up their need for space and take a day out, or even a weekend every so often, and go somewhere quiet. You can make good use of quite short periods of time – the Woman’s Retreat Book includes a mass of ideas.
- At least at first, you probably need to do some planning. What is a good time of the day for you to decide to reserve for yourself? You may have to defend it from time to time, but there is no point in fighting more battles than you need. If you’re aiming for longer periods of time, less frequently, look at your diary and block it out – and if you can make it regular, it helps.
Enjoying your space
Women who haven’t had time for themselves for ages may have lost track of what they like to do. If this is you, there are plenty like you. Try making lists of what you liked doing when you were younger, and see if making the list sparks off new versions of familiar enthusiasms. Above all, take things gently and experiment – you might want to make a note of what you tried and how you felt about it.
As you get more accustomed to having time for yourself, you can start to use it to ask questions. Two good ones for women in the second half of life are: What feeds me? What nurtures me?
Most women spend a lot of the first half of their lives being concerned about feeding and nurturing others; we may be very much out of practice in considering these questions in relation to ourselves. Thus the popularity of chocolate?
There are, however, other answers which are less fattening – only you can find out what is best for you. Some of the answers may come from what you liked doing in the past; others may be new, for this new stage of life. The search itself can be an interesting experience!
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Supporting your use of personal space
Once you are clearer about what feeds you at this stage of your life, it can be useful to look for a group or tradition which will support your interests. You may already have friends who share what is important to you, but if the  interest is new then you may want to extend your circle to include other enthusiasts.
- If you are finding that what feeds you is some form of activity – art, craft, dance, gardening, then you may want to learn more, or learn to do it better or differently. Courses, groups or societies may encourage you in what you do on your own; it will be important to listen to your instincts about whether the first one you have found is right for you.
- If, alternatively, you find that you need to be still, then you may wish to investigate meditation groups or spiritual traditions which incorporate some silence – there has been an expansion of retreats in recent years.
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