Women and Community
We cannot live in isolation. As we get older, this will be increasingly obvious. Whether or not we share a dwelling with another person, we need some level of involvement with other people, both for practical reasons and because we are social beings. There is an increasing body of research which identifies the importance of relationships in women’s intellectual, emotional and spiritual development – women’s typical ways of knowing and growing do seem to differ from men’s. (See, for example, Miller, Belensky et al & Slee). Furthermore, our networks of friendship, neighbourhood and trust have now acquired the label of ‘social capital’ and are attracting increasing academic and political interest. It is worth giving thought to this at an individual level, toot
While we have a paid job, or a growing family, or both, we tend to be able to take community for granted. Our workplace provides us with colleagues, and for many women the quality of the relationships at work is really important in their choice of whether to stay in a job or look for something more interesting or better paid. If we have children, our family life often links us up with other families - the mothers of our children’s friends, the wives of the men our partners work with or play sport with, the neighbours we see regularly if we are home a lot. And we may spend a lot of time and energy keeping relationships like this going. It does tend to be women who make the phone calls, who remember birthdays, who issue invitations to come round for a meal, who think to drop off a casserole to friends coping with house moves or bereavement, who say to those who’ve been missing for a while, ‘It’s good to see you back’….
So why do women need to think more about community? Aren’t we already living it? Well, life isn’t always as cosy as that sounds.
- Not everyone has a family that hangs together – and not everyone in the second half of life has much of one left.
- Divorce – our own or that of others – may seriously damage this kind of network.
- When the children grow up, or we give up the job, what is left? How many of the relationships continue?
- People we meet through our children or partners may not be our choices – eventually we may feel there’s not a lot of common ground that matters.
- We may find we’re doing all the giving and not a lot comes back when we have problems.
So if these are starting to be issues for you – or even if they aren’t, but you feel you it would be good to extend your range:
- Individual friendships are great – but it’s good also to be embedded in a wider group where a number of people may be keeping an eye on X, who is having a bad time. One day, X could be you.
- Think about the other groups or networks you’ve been part of, and how well or badly they’ve looked after their members. What have you learnt that you can use elsewhere?
- Think about the focus. Is it a common interest, like a book group, a running group, a cause? A shared commitment to a place? A faith group? How strongly are you attracted to this focus? And does the rest of the group care about anything else? Does this matter to you?
- Think about continuity. Groups which build a sense of community need to last longer than a term’s worth of evening classes – though that’s a good way to see whether you want to carry on doing an activity.
Although we need local community – and perhaps we will need it increasingly as we get older and travelling becomes more wearing – it is important to consider more fluid definitions. Dina Glouberman uses the term ‘soul community’ as an extension of the Celtic term ‘soul friend’. Her soul community includes ‘people and books and music and teachers and CDs and films’. The common factor is an atmosphere that supports us in our truth, nourished our soul, and gives a hint of freedom. The people can be those you met once on a course, and bonded with; they can be people who live at a distance but will be there for you on the phone when you need them; they may even be people whose main contact with you is online. All of these can be ways of building up your network, your circle of friends, your stock of social capital – and your soul community.
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Friends are the famly you choose |
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